Monday, June 11, 2012

Who Am I?

Jesus answered and said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”—Luke 5:31-32 

All weekend long something has been haunting me. It is the idea of how people see me or more specifically how one person sees me. I realized that I try to portray an image of perfection at times. I sound sympathetic and try to be understanding, but I don’t make myself vulnerable and show people that I really do get it. I really do understand. As a result, people don’t see me as I truly am.

 I don’t have it all together. My life is a mess. I screw up every single day of my life. I get angry and frustrated. As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners. I am a “nobody.” I struggle with feeling important in people’s lives and the belief that they actually care. I spend 80 to 90% of my time alone anymore. People rarely call me and usually only when they need something from me, but it is my fault because I don’t reach out to others either. I am an addict. I admit it. I’m addicted to romance novels. I know that many will laugh when they read that statement, but it is true and I have been since I was 12 years old. I’m a coward. I fear being rejected and because of that I don’t speak up when I know that I should. I have been fired from two of my last three jobs and was on the verge of being fired from the last one when I decided to quit. Despite knowing better and being raised differently I practically lived with a man for two months, meaning that he spent more nights at my house than he did in his own home. I have hated and wished people dead or at least gone from my life. This is who I am. This is me, me without Christ and the list could go on and on.

Christ said that he did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. That is me. I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace. I simply recognized my need for Him and asked Him to forgive and turned my life around. I strive everyday to keep my focus on Him so that I don’t become that person again. I can’t do it on my own. I have tried. I can only do it through His power and His strength. That is where grace comes in because even when I fail (and I do frequently) I know that He has forgiven me and I pull myself up and start over again.

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