Monday, July 1, 2013

Saying "Yes" to God When It is Hard

Have you ever had one of those moments where you know that you were created for such a time?

The story of Esther is one of my favorite stories in the Bible. When Mordecai says to Esther, "And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" I get a sense of excitement and destiny, but what the Lord was asking her to do wasn't easy. She was laying her life on the line, but when she said "Yes" to the Lord, He made a new way for her and her people.

Last year I had one of those moments when I knew that I was fulfilling part of my destiny and receiving a call to help those who are brokenhearted, but for the last 1 1/2 years I have been fighting the Lord on this calling. and now I want to share with you the story of how I know what my calling is.

This is the story of a young girl whose life touched mine in a great way. I am going to call her Alyssa (although that is not her real name) and this is the story of how my struggle to help her has broken me and led me to my true calling.

Alyssa was a very troubled little girl. In many ways, she had been forced to grow up before her time. She was a huge bundle of pain and grief and she was only 5 years old. A 5 year old shouldn't be a bundle of pain, grief and anger. A 5 year old should be happy and mischievous.

Her behavior was out of control, and as her teacher, I was at my wit's end. I had even reached the point where I had gone to my supervisor & said that I couldn't help this little girl. I recognized that she had been through some type of trauma in her life, but I didn't know what it was. I just know that she was hurting the other children, she was hurting herself, and she was destroying my classroom.

But I also knew that this one little girl was loving and funny and adventurous. She just needed help that I didn't think I could give her...

About a week after telling my director that I didn't feel like I could help her, things changed with Alyssa and they changed for the better and all it took was holding her and praying over her as she cried.

It was nap time at the center and because of Alyssa's behavior and the behavior of some of the other children, I had 6 adults in my classroom.

To say that nap time in my classroom was chaotic was an understatement, but this day changed least for a little while.

This day Alyssa was at her worst. She wouldn't lay down, and since I was the only one who get her settled, she was running around the room while I tucked in some of the other children for nap time. After I helped get everyone else settled I went and sat down next to Alyssa's cot. She was crying and screaming  and the adult who was trying to help her was not getting anywhere.

When I finally sat down with her, I gave her a choice. She could lay quietly on her cot, or she could sit quietly in my lap. She chose my lap, but after a while she decided to lay on her. Instead of getting on her cot though she tried to run through the classroom and so I blocked her and gave her the choice again. She told me, "NO!" and tried to run again, but I blocked her and then sat down with her on my lap.

She started crying and screaming. We sat like that for an hour...Eventually she stopped screaming and was just crying, and the entire time I just held her and told her she was safe and prayed for her. I was also crying with her. Not loudly. Just silent tears streaming down my face. She cried like her heart was broken, deep sobs, and I just held on to her.

The other adults in the room would come over occasionally and ask if I wanted them to switch with me, and while I admit that i would have loved for someone else to take over, I knew that at that moment switching places was the worst thing that I could do to Alyssa so I just sat there and continued to hold her.

And at that moment I knew that I was called to help children like Alyssa, and in the months that followed that calling was confirmed in many ways and at first I was happy about it, but as the months passed and I started suffering from compassion fatigue I started fighting the calling.

But now I recognize that I have been going through a stage of growth. I know that God has a plan for me. He has given me a dream, and even though He seems silent I am finding that I have to depend on Him in ways I never dreamed. I also know that I can't make this dream happen on my own and that He has to make it happen. I have discovered that this is what I was created for. It is a part of my destiny.

So I covet your prayers and pray that He opens the doors and provides me with what is needed. I know that I need more training and that takes money that I don't have, but He will provide a way.

What dream has God given you that you are fighting? Are you ready to say "Yes" and let Him make the way?

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