The past few years have been full of challenges for me. Job losses, the loss of family members and friends, the end of relationships, and the end of some dreams have all happened, but at the same time, I have given birth to new dreams and I have resurrected who I am in Christ.
For years, I pushed Christ away because I didn’t feel like I could trust myself and I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone else even Christ.
I was saved when I was 7 years old at a revival at one of the local churches where I grew up. I don’t remember what the speaker actually spoke about except that he spoke about hell and said that the only way to avoid going to hell was believing on the Lord Jesus Christ. He scared me. By the end of the sermon, I knew that I didn’t want to go to hell so when the evangelist issued an invitation to pray with him to anyone who wanted Jesus Christ to save them I prayed with him.
Now at 7 years old, I didn’t completely understand what it was that I was committing to. I didn’t understand that the road would be rocky and that there would be times when I wondered, times when I doubted, and times when I just didn’t think I could go on. At 7 years old, I was scared. I was scared of dying because I had been told by a couple of other children that they were going to kill me. I was scared of dying, and I didn’t want to go to hell.
Throughout my school years and through high school, I lived in fear and I attempted to make myself as invisible as possible. I was bullied and mentally and emotionally abused by my peers and by the time I reached high school, the bullying turned into sexual harassment. I was scared of everything. I had no self-esteem and I was full of anger and bitterness. To be completely honest, I was a prime candidate to do something drastic such as taking my own life, doing drugs, or something worse.
That is where the power of Christ came into my life. I can honestly say that He protected me from those things because while they were available the opportunity never came for me to do anything so drastic.
On the other hand, I wasn’t perfect. I withdrew from everyone. I have an eating disorder, and I couldn’t talk to anyone without being sarcastic. I am also addicted to romance novels.
But I loved being at church. I loved worshipping and learning about Jesus
And through Christ the anger and bitterness changed. It disappeared and turned into a desire to help other people, to protect children and teach them to be kind to one another.
One day at a wedding that my church was doing for some friends, one of the groomsmen came up to me and asked me if I would do him a favor. I hesitated. I stopped and stammered out an answer. After he left, my mom walked up to me and said, “Misty, we are in church. He is not going to ask you anything bad.” At that moment, I realized what I was turning into and I cried out to the Lord that I wanted to change.
After that day, my mother and I had many talks, and I turned to the Bible to discover what it said about who I was and how precious I was.
I started blossoming. I went back to college and started working on my degree. I started dating. Eventually I moved away from home. I started my own business. I met someone and fell in love. My relationship with Christ was strong.
Then my life fell apart. My business was struggling financially and I made the decision to close it. I moved to Springfield to be closer to the man I was in love with. I had been in Springfield two weeks when he asked me if I wanted to marry him. Then a week after that he told me that he didn’t think we were supposed to marry, and a week after that he became engaged to someone else.
I took it badly. I took it very badly.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. Well, they are right. Looking back I can see that I should have walked away and let it go, but I just kept telling myself that I needed to make sure he was happy, that it was what he really wanted. I kept denying that I was angry. I kept denying that he was even going to marry this other woman.
But the worst part was what I let the break-up do to my relationship with Christ. I was so sure that he was the one for me, that my relationship with him was God’s will for my life, that when we broke up I began to doubt whether I could ever really truly discern what God’s will for my life was. I began to pull away from God. I never stopped believing that Jesus died for me or He wasn’t real, but I stopped believing that He had a plan for me and my life. I stopped believing that I was worth it. I became bitter and angry again, and for years I allowed myself to stay that way.
But you see, God loves me and He didn’t allow me to stray out of His reach. When the time was right, he sent another man into my life. Only this man didn’t believe in Christ. This man challenged everything I believed and the blessing of this turned out to be that I turned back to Christ and I found that I had never strayed that far because all I had to do was turn around and He was there, waiting with open arms.
He has renewed my spirit. He is creating a clean heart within me. And He wants to do the same in you. Will you let him? If He can take this angry and bitter soul with all my imperfections and love me, He can do the same for you. Let Him love you. Let Him cleanse you. All you have to do is believe and repent.
If you want to experience the transformation that He can do simply pray with me:
Even though I am not worthy of your love, you love me. I am a sinner and unclean, but you love anyway. You love me enough that you gave your life for me. ME! I don’t want to be this way anymore. Transform me, Lord. Take my life and make of it what you will. Create a clean heart within me. Renew my spirit that I may walk with you always. Change me so that I become more like you. Give me the strength to walk in your will.
If you prayed with me, will you let me know? I want to walk with you in fellowship and love in Christ.
God bless you,
Misty, the BarnPrincess
P.S. Due to the weather, I may not be able to post for a couple of days. I am currently a caregiver for my grandmother and I have no Internet access at her house. We are expecting a big snow storm later today so I am unsure when I will be able to access the Internet again. this week.